Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
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MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course