“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
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*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Why are bridges so flammable.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!