“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
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*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.