Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
You Might Also Like
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.