most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
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Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Living the best life.. 😊
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.