What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
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Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?