As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
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I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
A new level of troll.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭