*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
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Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’