me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
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Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Jurassic park gets weird
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
You sure about that?
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
It be like that sometimes 😆