Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
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Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
LOL!
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .