You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
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*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad