The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
You Might Also Like
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?