Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
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When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.