Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
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My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
me adding lol on a serious message
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”