Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
You Might Also Like
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.