*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
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FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.