My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
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I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
New favorite tiktok
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.