Schrödinger’s cookie
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giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.