The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
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What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?