That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
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Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
#parenting
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined