Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
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I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O