Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
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Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Me trying to reach for my goals
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.