date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
You Might Also Like
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…