I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
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ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
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BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Best mom ever 😂