I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
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FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.