*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
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Not all heroes wear capes.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings