For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
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new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
New mindset, who dis?
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.