Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
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Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back