The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
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Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Body by Oreos
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.