If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
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Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.