I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
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[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
I beg your pardon?
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.