usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
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I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.