I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
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I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
did… did they arrest the mountain lions