Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
You Might Also Like
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
PER MY LAST EMAIL
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
me doing my best
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not