[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
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I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
do what now??
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.