Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
You Might Also Like
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Oh yeah that’s it
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.