Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
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My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”