My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
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Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.