What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
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Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
The news
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.