A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
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I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I love you…
…r dog.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.