At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
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Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.