My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
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No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
#Caturday
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset