I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
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As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
security at the airport getting more straightforward
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.