I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
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My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
I love you…
…r dog.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.