Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
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Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool