A woman drives into a bar.
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[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
My last name is Zilla.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!