When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
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Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Woke up against my better judgment again
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Sing it!