*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
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Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Remember folks 😂
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
🤭😂
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.