Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
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me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
You can’t outrun your problems…
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
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