Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
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therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
I’m Sold!
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER